FADE IN:
INT. LIFESTYLE FRISCO HEADQUARTERS (WENDI’S OFFICE) – DAY
WENDI MCGOWAN-ELLIS sits behind her desk made of rich mahogany and unicorn bones. She’s writing emails, making phone calls, and juggling chainsaws simultaneously. Her attire says Co-Founder of Lifestyle Frisco. Her hair says CEO of Lifestyle Frisco. Her eyes say, “Why is this guy walking into my office?”
BRANDON MAY enters the scene. Everything about him says, “What?”
WENDI
May I help you?
BRANDON
You know those Christmas movies on the Hallmark channel? Well, I have an idea that’s going to put Lifestyle Frisco on the map. Well, I guess the city of Frisco is technically already on a map, but….
WENDI
You see these chainsaws I’m juggling?
BRANDON
Yes. They’re very loud.
WENDI
If you’re going to pitch me, let’s hear it. I have a secret wine tasting canoe cruise on Panther Creek, like the actual creek, in 30 minutes.
BRANDON takes a deep breath and begins.
BRANDON
So you’re Wendi from small-town Frisco, Texas. But you are a strong, independent woman who gets her masters degree and moves to New York and is now the senior vice president of marketing for a very powerful publishing firm. You’re more successful than you ever imagined, and you think you’ve found your prince charming.
WENDI
Go on.
BRANDON
Well, it turns out you get passed over for the promotion you think you deserve and it goes to, wait for it, your so-called prince charming who has been conspiring against you all along to get your job! And all of this is happening right before the holidays! Heartbroken and downtrodden, you figure the only place that can take your mind off of all of this hustle and bustle is to return to your small hometown of Frisco where the entire town loves Christmas and makes a really big deal out of it.
WENDI
None of this sounds like me.
BRANDON
Be the character, Wendi. Be the character. So you return home, you run into some old friends who have all fallen into rigid one-dimensional stereotypes of small-town housewives, but hey, they’re your BFFs, right? Your parents haven’t changed your childhood bedroom since you were six so it looks like Peppa Pig exploded all over the walls, but in a wave of nostalgia you smell your pillow and it smells like…Christmas.
WENDI
I’m going to need some conflict soon.
BRANDON
Right on cue. So you’re walking around town looking like you just got out of bed but spent five hours making yourself look like that when you spot the old town newspaper you used to intern for in high school. You walk inside and what do you know? Old Man Stonebriar is still running the show, but he’s fallen on hard times. Newspapers aren’t what they used to be, and money is tight. He might have to sell to some big-time publishing company from the big city. Just then you miraculously get a call from your former prince charming who took your job!
Did I mention he has a British accent so it makes him sound pretentious and easy to despise? Anyway, he’s all like “’Ello, me love! I’m purchasing your small-town newspaper, and I’ll spell ‘color” with a ‘u’ like “colour’ unless of course you can come up with the money to stop me.” Evil laughter, and then he hangs up. And you’re like, “What?” And Old Man Stonebriar is like “No!” And then your BFFs bust in the door holding a flyer like, “Did you hear the news? The town is holding an essay competition and the winner gets the exact amount of money you need to save the newspaper!”
WENDI
This is going off the rails quickly.
BRANDON
Trust me. This is a tested and certified formula. You start thinking about what to write your essay about, but with all of this pressure, you know, like the kind of pressure you handled on a regular basis in New York but can’t seem to wrap your mind around now, is making it hard to write. You go to the local market to clear your head, and who do you see?
Why it’s the sweetest, nicest, hottest, most innocent, and somehow still the most single guy in the entire town. Let’s call him Scott. He takes a liking to you and remembers you from when you were growing up in this small town that loves Christmas. But you don’t remember him, and that’s when you have the pivotal moment where you realize you’ve been focusing on the wrong things your whole life. You are finally inspired and you go to hug Scott, but he’s like, “No. I’m saving my hugs until the end of the movie.”
WENDI
What a prude.
BRANDON
It’s totally worth it. In addition to every other flawless thing about him, his hugs are those of epic lore. Legend has it he was once the best hugger in town, but due to the tragic loss of his grandmother who used to run the local market and so very much loved Christmas, he vowed to never hug again.
Oh well, you have an essay to write. Montage of you at your retro typewriter typing frantically even though your MacBook is sitting right behind you for product placement, ripping pages out and crumpling them up, hair disheveled but still looking gorgeous, now you have glasses on to show how smart and serious you are, chewing on a pencil even though you aren’t writing anything down and…scene.
WENDI
So that’s the movie?
BRANDON
You wake up to the doorbell. Paper is scattered all over your Pepto-bismal inspired childhood bedroom. You scamper downstairs to find your parents meeting in the parlor, or should I say “parlour,” with none other than your former prince charming. He’s in town to win the essay contest and keep you from saving the newspaper. Plot twist, am I right?
WENDI
I saw that coming a mile away.
BRANDON
Well, yeah. That’s how this works. So evening comes around and the entire town gathers for the essay competition because I guess everything else is closed or something. A little girl reads a cute but crappy essay about Christmas. Everyone applauds. A one-dimensional teen who hasn’t been featured at all yet reads his essay saying Christmas is a bunch of doody. Everyone boos, and he skateboards off stage. The former prince charming shows up and starts talking in that British accent, and he’s all smug and charismatic, and people are falling for it, and you’re getting sick about it, and then here comes Scott, and he’s like, “I know I said I’d wait until the end of the movie, but you look like you could use a hug right now.”
WENDI sits up in her seat.
WENDI
Ok. This is good. Keep going.
BRANDON
Everyone loves that British jerk’s essay, but as he’s walking off stage he doesn’t realize that the little girl and the punk kid for reasons unknown are holding live microphones and it projects former prince charming saying something like, “With that essay, I’ll shut down that newspaper and shut down this entire town that loves Christmas!” Everyone is in shock, and now you’re in the awkward position of having to follow your ex-prince charming who was awesome but kind of ruined it but is also still winning the competition but also asking Scott to stop hugging you for a second while you save the town.
You walk up on stage and start sheepishly reading your essay. Uh oh! Hot mic. That’s embarrassing. People are losing interest and the Christmas spirit is dying as evidenced by a random “Christmas Spirit-O-Meter” on the side of the stage. Not sure how that got there, but we’ll figure it out in post.
WENDI
Not the Christmas spirit!
BRANDON
You stop reading for a second, your eyes scan the crowd which happens to be every single citizen of your small town that loves Christmas, you see your parents, you see Old Man Stonebriar, and you see Scott, who’s being played by a guy who used to be on that one show but you can’t remember his name and you can’t really even remember the name of the show but you know you’ve seen him before and now it’s going to ruin your day until you figure out where you’ve seen him before. And then you have your Christmas moment.
WENDI
Wait. Is Scott played by the guy who used to be on Dallas, but not the original Dallas, like the reboot of Dallas?
BRANDON
Sure. But the guy who played the same character from the original Dallas has to play Old Man Stonebriar just for the irony.
WENDI
Who plays me?
BRANDON
Someone from Full House or Party of Five. Or The Wonder Years. Keep up. It’s getting good. So you have your Christmas moment. You crumple up your paper as you did repeatedly in the montage to complete the story arc and you toss it into the now snowing sky. It falls near someone’s fancy shoes and a hand picks it up.
Who could it be? Is it Santa? No. It’s Al Gore. And he says, “Wendi, I invented the internet so you could save the newspaper of your small town that loves Christmas by taking it online. I believe in you. Now speak from the heart to this entire town, get that Christmas spirit gauge thing to 100%, and I’ll go dramatically escort that British dude out of here.”
You begin talking. It doesn’t make any sense but all of the b-roll cutaways of the townsfolk seem to understand every word you’re saying as they nod in agreement. All of a sudden a never-before-seen judge walks on stage and declares you not only the winner of the essay competition, but the savior (not saviour) of the town, the newspaper, and Christmas. You’re elated. The town is joyous.
Old Man Stonebriar nods in approval like Mr. Miyagi at the end of Karate Kid. Al Gore is dragging the former prince charming away kicking and screaming while still sounding very polite about it. Oh, we have to remind the audience about your one-dimensional friends so we show them real quick.
And then Scott walks on stage and gives you a hug. What’s that which just appeared over your heads? Mistletoe? Where’d that come from? Scott kisses you while the whole town watches which should be really creepy but for the purposes of this movie no one questions it. And…roll credits. What do you think?
WENDI
Not bad, but I could just watch the Hallmark channel for a month and see 20 versions of that same plotline.
BRANDON
But with Al Gore?
WENDI
Good point. Let’s fast track this. I’ll talk to my people on the Panther Creek wine cruise, and I’ll see what I can do. I’ll Write My Own Christmas starring me coming to a Hallmark Channel near you. I love it. You’re free to go.
BRANDON smiles and exits WENDI’S office. WENDI smiles and phones security.
FADE OUT.
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